Dear Beloveds,
I have just left a month long retreat in Estes Park which followed three months of very intense traveling. This was my first attempt at solo traveling. There was much to learn, an amazing range of feelings to feel and remarkable people with whom I shared wonderful moments of pick up and delivery. I feel revived and ready to take on the next chapter of adventuring, into the mysteries.
Since Chris left his body, I have felt that my basic matrix has dissolved around the edges. There are questions that leave me bewildered. How can Chris, with no body, feel so intensely present? How can it be that I feel him so seamlessly that most of the time, I do not miss him because he has not gone anywhere? And at the same time, I wonder how the me that I call Kai and which lives in a body, could feel so continually changing that there often seems to be barely any solidity? The earth plane realm has stretched me out to include the world of no form in a way that I have never experienced before. Sometimes this feels disorienting, yet I am beginning to feel more and more at home in this new larger territory.
I start wondering about words. What does “with” mean? What does it mean to be “with” someone who has no form? What do “is” and “was” mean? If in the past if I “was” with Chris, can that ever stop? Is there any way that I can ever not be “with” him now? Where could he go? He is embedded in me and in the people and places around me. This is a mystery and yet I am living it.
I continue to be amazed at my lack of understanding of the meaning of some of the most basic words in our language and my awareness that we, as a culture, use these words that we don’t understand to shape what we call reality. So I continue playing with meaning and begin to realize that if I want to live in a world that is full of abundance then the words that I use and how I use them must reflect this abundance and flow.
As I do the work of rebuilding a new matrix which includes Chris in bodiless form, I am finding solidity in one concept more than any other and that is gratitude. I can’t tell you with any degree of exactitude what love is, or forgiveness or even enlightenment but I do know the meaning of “thank you.” For me, “thank you” is the ultimate “yes.” It is the knowing that we are held in abundance. It is allowing presence in its fullness to be bigger than we can even imagine. It is about saying yes to death as well as life and understanding that sometimes it is di\cult to tell the difference. It is about saying yes to the woundings that crack us open, as well as the blessings that heal. It is about stretching ourselves to the point of knowing that we are surrounded by blessings, no matter how it appears. It is about being willing to say “yes “and “I don’t know” at the same time, allowing ourselves to receive the mystery and to be the mystery.
So, on this Thanksgiving Day I invite you to look at gratitude, not simply on the surface but in the depths and in the places where there is a no to presence that may feel like a small pebble or a giant boulder. Just imagine what a world might look like that was overflowing with gratitude for each other and for all of the experiences that shape us into the extraordinary unique, beautiful and creative beings that we are. This is where I choose to live.
Thank you for being such a blessing in my life and Happy Thanksgiving to you always.
With deep love and gratitude,
Kai