Strangely, we use the word love for so many contradictory concepts. I can say that I love a person or I love fish. Does loving fish mean that I am grateful that fish are swimming in the ocean and I want to keep them there, or that I want to have a little fish swimming in a bowl in my house so that I can watch it, or that I am happy about choosing to enjoy a piece of dead salmon sautéed in butter on my plate?
One way that helps me think about love is through the concept “You love me,” which I learned at a Marc Gafni workshop. When I heard these words, they landed on me like a koan, like a peek into a locked room that I knew would be vast and rich.
At first, this could sound like a demand for the other person to love me. But that misses the point. If I approach another human being, known or unknown, from the perspective of You love me, I remove my resistance to seeing them deeply. Instead of looking at my own hopes, fears, and prejudices, I have a better chance of being able to see the person as they are as a child of the Universe, finding his or her way the best that he or she can and carrying a unique gift that can only be offered by that person.
This does not mean that I don’t protect myself, that I don’t set boundaries, or that I make assumptions about the person that are not accurate. I need healthy boundaries, even with people I love.
This was a first step, but I knew that there was more. I realized this was even more about envisioning the kind of Universe I want to live in. If I look up at the starry sky and say, “You love me,” I find myself standing in a Universe where I am loved, personally and intimately. I am known. I am cared for, and I am loved. Having experienced myself as known, loved, and cared for, I bring that experience to my more down-to-earth world, even in times of difficulty.
When I approach a person with that kind of openness, I create a field that includes the other person in my experience of You love me. This is not the same as making a demand of that person. It simply allows the person to breathe in the possibility that they, too, are a beloved child of the Universe. We stand here together in love. From there, things go as they go, sometimes in easy ways, sometimes not so easy ways. But even in times of difficulty, I know where I stand. I am in a world where I know I am loved.