I led retreats at the Shalom Mountain Retreat and Study Center in Livingston Manor, New York, for over twenty years. The foundational principle of Shalom is that each of us can grow in our powers and skills of giving and receiving love. Love is a skill that can be learned and practiced.

The principles of loving include —
1. More than anything else, we all want and need to love and be loved.
2. Love is a gift. It cannot be earned.
3. Love is not bound by time and space.
4. Love is goodwill in action.
5. Love can be an act of will. It can be intended.
6. Love is a response to need.

The skills of loving include —
1. I do not look over you, under you, through you. I see you in your uniqueness.
2. I hear you and listen for the meanings behind your words.
3. I recognize your right to feel and think as you do. I may not agree with your feelings and
ideas, but you are entitled to them because you are human.
4. I have goodwill for you. I will you good and not evil. I care about you.
5. You have needs. If you disclose them to me, within my limitations, I will not run away.

When I led retreats at Shalom, I added Self Love to the Skills of Loving

Self Love
1. I must learn to love myself.
2. Loving others freely means first learning to see and listen to my uniqueness, honoring my feelings and ideas, being compassionate toward my needs and vulnerability, and treating myself with compassion and goodwill.

Years later, my husband Chris and I were asked by the leaders of Shalom Mountain, Joy Davey and Lawrence Stibbards, to devise the Skills and Principles of Boundaries.

The Principles of Boundaries include —
1. Healthy Boundaries are built on the Principles and Skills of Loving.
2. We have the right and the responsibility to protect ourselves. We are accountable.
3. Boundaries are a way we know ourselves and are known by others.
4. Boundaries are where we meet the world.
5. Even with boundaries, there can be no absolute safety.
6. Learning about boundaries is an ongoing process of individuation and self-definition.

The Skills of Boundaries include —
1. I develop healthy boundaries through awareness and conscious loving.
2. I choose the boundaries I set.
3. I communicate what is acceptable and not acceptable to me.
4. I ask for what I need.
5. I dance between safety and risk as I seek flexible boundaries.
6. I need boundaries with everyone, even those I love the most.
7. To grow, I experiment as I practice setting boundaries.