Things that matter most should never be at the mercy of things that matter least.
What matters most to me? I believe I was born to learn to love. What does it even mean to love?
First of all, there is acceptance. If I am going to love, I must allow the object of my love to be what he or she is and not insist that they be what I would prefer. This can be tough. It is easy for me to say, “I love you so much,” followed by, “Why aren’t you doing more for me?” I think about my desire to love in the face of my frustration with the other person not being what I want them to be.
But this is my need. The question for me is, can I let another person be who he or she is and send love her way even though they are not a perfect reflection of me?
This isn’t always easy, so I could ask, “Why would I want to do that?” Then I remember there is a price for me if I choose to wipe another person out of my heart.
My judgments make a difference, not just to the person I judge but to me. When I judge another, I am setting myself up to judge myself for the same. How can I be forgiving of myself if I shut my heart to another?
So, this first step of loving is accepting that we are all human. Accepting doesn’t mean I don’t need to set boundaries or want my life entangled with another person. Boundaries are essential, and loving doesn’t necessarily mean I must be intertwined with another person’s life. But if I am in a state of judgment, then I am not wishing the best for that person. And if I am wishing them harm, then I am not IN love but in violence.
I wonder why I, a reasonably kind human, would wish harm on another. I have watched myself make up stories with bad endings about others. What is the payoff for such unrelenting feelings? Yes, I know I want to be right. Another’s downfall would prove that I was right. But really, now. Why is being right so important? And being right in my world doesn’t mean I am right in another person’s world. Maybe she needs to complicate her life, stretch out her grief, and even punish herself? How should I know? And what business is it of mine? Why should my heart contract simply because her world and mine are not synch?
So perhaps loving is not about the warm fuzzies. Perhaps loving is about being curious enough to engage with an energy that is different and possibly even threatening. Perhaps in the engagement with what at first appears to be other, I will find that what I dislike or am afraid of in the other is really a part of me that needs love and healing. Perhaps by loving the dark parts of myself, I can be more open to the dark parts of others.
There are more questions than answers in this exploration, but I believe that what is most important to me is to love, that perhaps I learn the most when it is difficult, and that I can’t give up the exploration.
I am curious about how others find ways to find peace with those who seem different.