Here are some guideposts I have found helpful in following my grief after the death of my beloved.
1 Allow yourself to feel the feelings — all of them. Some feelings may seem inappropriate or irrational. Sadness and missing the beloved are acceptable, as are feelings of anger, betrayal, fear and anxiety. But feelings of happiness or even ecstasy may emerge.
2. Do your best not to judge the feelings that arise. They probably will run the whole gamut of emotions from utter despair to ecstasy.
3. Be aware that feelings change very rapidly. We can feel less stuck as we learn to observe and track the roller coaster of emotions.
4. It is okay to feel happy, even in the midst of grief. These respites from grief are our body and spirt’s way of healing and bringing us back to life.
5. Practice being in the now. Sometimes the present is filled with storms of grief that feel like they will never end. But these storms do end. The next moment can have a different quality. By being fully in the now, we can feel subtle distinctions and realize that grief is a multi-dimensional experience with subtle textures and colors.
6. Remember gratitude. When we feel loss, remembering gratitude is often challenging. It is easy to say, “Gratitude for what? I just lost my beloved.” No matter our experience of loss, there are still endless opportunities to see the abundance surrounding us. We have air to breathe, a roof over our heads, or beloveds who offer support.
7. Be grateful for all of the gifts your beloved gave you over the time of your relationship, be that a short or a very long time. We continue to carry these gifts in our lives. We carry on the spirit of our beloved as we gratefully nurture these gifts.
8. Remember the times of happiness that you shared with your beloved. This is where you will meet his or her spirit. This is the time you will be the closest to your beloved. We may believe we are closest when we feel sadness, but we meet our beloved deeply when we remember our shared joy. Tell stories to yourself or to anyone who will listen.
9. Allow yourself to wonder who you are. You are no longer who you were and never will be again. Life is unfolding even in this moment of shattering.
10. Be in nature as much as possible. In nature, there is only oneness. In nature, life and death exist side by side.