Hello dear Beloveds,

It has been a long time since I have written and much has happened in the interim. On July 25, I decided that it was time for me to get back on the road again. I felt that I had completed the first stage of healing which required the safe container and retreat that the cottage at Timshel provided. I was surrounded there by beauty — the wonderful view of the mountains from my deck, butterflies, birds and more fireflies than I have ever seen. Most of the time, I just sat and watched. I watched the sun rise and set, Venus and Mars dancing, the moon waxing and waning and felt the curious weight of cycles passing through my body. I also watched the grief coursing through my being like storms or at other times like gentle breezes. It has all been part of this soul work of meeting the mysteries of death and I continue to receive it all as a strange gift.

There seems to be no rhyme or reason to the feelings that arise and my mind has not yet found a way to get around the reality of Chris no longer being in his body. He is so much a part of my being that there is nothing that I can do or think that does not carry him. There is not a breath that I take that does not hold his energy. I find it hard to miss something that is so much a part of my self and that is always with me. So, I wrestle with the meaning of death and the meaning of life and end up more bewildered than when I started. All I can do is to tell the stories that I make up, to myself and to anyone who will listen.

The only place that feels solid is in gratitude — gratitude that Chris and I had the magical meeting that we had, the adventures, explorations and meetings with remarkable people and gratitude that I have a blessed life. None of theses gifts can ever be lost and I treasure them all. And yet the solidity of life itself seems to have crumbled.

And so, I set out rather arbitrarily on July 25. It was only after I had arrived at my first destination that day that I discovered I had chosen to begin my journeying on the Mayan Day of No Time. What an extraordinary day to begin a new chapter in my life, especially since that day is followed by the Mayan New Year. My intention in this new chapter was to retrace the steps that Chris and I traveled over the last seven years. My desire is to honor Chris and the people and places that we loved, uncovering ways to process and say goodbye to the old while opening to the possibilities of the new.

I have now been on the road for seven weeks and I am aware that I could not have chosen a more challenging path. Feelings are being triggered wherever I go, especially as I arrive and leave beloved friends and places.The grief seems to have its own agenda, burrowing deep in my heart. All I can do is follow where she takes me and allow.

In addition to the emotional and spiritual challenges, I have had to learn new things that were never my purview. Once long ago, I said to Chris that I thought that we should each know how to do all of the jobs that needed to be done on the road. I suggested that perhaps, at least for one time, I should pack the car and he should cook. Knowing the way I packed and the way he cooked, he responded very quickly, “I don’t think so” and that was that.

Now, among other challenges, I am learning for the first time, how to do very mundane tasks such as packing our belongings into the car, driving on di\cult roads or even checking the oil. So, I feel that I am being stretched on the earth plane, as well as in the cosmic realms and yet all is well.

I am deeply grateful for both the stretching and for the community of Beloveds that is holding me as I go through this process. Thank you.

I send you my love and my gratitude,